2. It's All About Relationship

The worst mistake we can make is to overreact when we are trying to educate youngsters to be safe online. We must avoid uncontrolled emotional displays to preserve our dignity up front. Counselors tell us that acknowledging a child's feelings before addressing the issue is essential to develop a working relationship. Dr. Gordon Neufeld, clinical psychiatrist and child development authority, remarks that in the heat of battle it takes strength and courage to withstand the desperate pleadings of a child or to endure a firestorm of protest. (But everybody does it, Mom!) We need a lot of confidence to stand against the prevailing current, to set firm limits, and to establish structure, and it must come from a deep self-assurance and confidence in what we are doing -- knowing that it is in the best interest of the child. Deadly Mistakes Parents Make

Besides, access to technology is everywhere. When we start banning technology and overreacting, our children want to get as far away from us as they possibly can. They go into stealth mode online. There are so many mobile devices, hot spots and friends' houses where kids can connect and we cannot control them.

While it may not be feasible to change the negative impact of our media-oriented culture, we can draw from the experience and research of child development authorities and other professionals to parent and educate our children to be safe online. We must first do the hard work of building trust and relationship so that our young people are open in ways that allow us to communicate the positive attitudes and healthy behaviors we strive to promote online and offline.

"No significant learning occurs without a significant relationship." (Dr. James Comer) This strong relationship paves the way for the most important part of the learning process -- the teaching intervention that comes with being a child's "guide on the side" in a 21st century world.

We want our young people to thrive in a 21st Century world, to think critically, to solve problems, to innovate, collaborate and communicate effectively. Above all, we want nothing to stand in the way of their healthy development. Child development expert and clinical psychiatrist Dr. Gordon Neufeld says that, “It is in their relationship to us that our children will reach their developmental destiny of becoming independent, self-motivated, and mature beings valuing their own self-worth and mindful of the feelings, rights, and human dignity of others.”

Cyberbullying is one of many examples where relationship plays the starring role. Cyberbullying is the act of using the Internet via computers, cell phones or other mobile devices to be cruel and harmful to others. It is becoming more frequent and more aggressive among young people. Also, research shows that the aggressive behavior is spilling over into real life with even greater frequency.

The best protection for a child against bullying is a strong attachment with a caring adult -- one with whom they identify and from whom they gather strength. Nothing else will work to shield them against the insensitive behavior or language of their peers. Consider the recent tragedy in Missouri and the last words that were spoken by this vulnerable young girl.

The Nation’s First Cyberbullying Trial
November, 2008: The grieving mother of a Missouri girl told a jury Wednesday how her 13-year-old daughter hanged herself with a belt after receiving cruel messages on her MySpace account, some of which were from a boy whose identity was later revealed to have been invented by a 49-year-old mom & daughter team next door.

The last words the girl spoke before running to her room to hang herself were:
“You’re supposed to be my mom. You’re supposed to be on my side.”

In an ideal world, parents develop guidelines and healthy structures for technology use long before children get caught up in its abuse. But if you’re like many parents, the subtle signs of e-mischief often go unnoticed. Unfortunately, well-meaning e-Safety professionals advise parents to “educate” and then to take action “only if they suspect there’s a problem.” That’s too late--given the intoxicating mix of youth and technology.

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